Inside my Head

Oh well to be inside my head this morning is just a big jumble of irrational thoughts! I'm calming down now but thought I'd get some of these thoughts down as I've been having a bit of a freak out!


Basically I went to bed last night and Ashton wasn't being his usual active self before bed time. There were a few little wriggles and kicks but he'd been very quiet - mind you I had gone swimming so he may have just been asleep! But I usually use those kicks and wriggles as my reassurance before drifting off to sleep that everything is ok. So then I started freaking out as if I poke to where my uterus should be coming up to it seems to fall short. Everyone is complaining of kicks behind the ribs and I still only feel them around my belly button or lower. Ok to be honest, I've had a few a little bit higher but nothing to make me convinced he has enough room in there. So of course that makes me freak out!

Then last night I had some weird and horrible dreams that just made me wake up feeling physically sick and anxious - to the point that I didn't want to get out of bed this morning for fear of something happening! I just wanted to stay tucked under the covers so I could hide all day. The dream was along the lines of me being all happy - I could see the outline of little toes and a little foot then all of a sudden I could see the full baby as it'd moved up to my chest and then came out through my chest. I was shocked but being a dream it wasn't too weird. Then all of a sudden this baby girl was 2 years old and could only say 'cuddle' and kept just wanting to cuddle me so I was giving this girl cuddles etc. then next thing I know she is old and missing and then dead.... she had some disease that made her age really quickly and die! I was horrified...needless  to say I felt horrible when I woke up this morning - that was the most far out dream but there were a few others that just had me wanting to hide my head!

Then bubs half assed kicks this morning didn't really help!! So I told him today he is welcome to kick the crap out of me and I'll feel better. WHICH he has been doing thankfully!! I was just so shaken!! But good baby that he is has made his presence known today which has helped me survive the day so far!!

My head has been a jumble of thoughts - is he ok in there? Does he have enough room? Would my swimming last night have done anything to hurt him? - all of these thoughts aren't necassarily rational but they're there... then laying in bed I generally have a fairly obvious pulse near my belly button which I have to decipher around to see bubby but this morning the pulse wasn't just 'boom boom boom boom' but more like 'boom...boom boom.....boom...boom boom' and I was stressing that either I or the baby had an irregular heart beat..... my pulse seems to be going along quite smoothly now so I was probably imagining it or something! I have my ob appointment on Tuesday so I'll get to hear bubs heartbeat again for reassurance!!

And I woke up and my uterus was soft and small and I freaked out again coz I really didn't feel pregnant anymore...

I feel like a crazy person sometimes! I go along cruising nicely but my head is just one big messed up jumble of activity! But I'm ok...I got myself in to work and am basically present!!

Turns out I'm not the only one having bad dreams though so I'm glad it must just be part of it all - all that pent up anxiety as we head towards out third trimester!!

Ok.... otherwise outside of my head, I went swimming last night with Peter. Was good, did another 500m which seemed a lot easier this week! I really intend on keeping it up for as long as possible- even when I'm a blimp!! Because it's also something I can do when bubby comes, and Peter and I can just take turns doing our laps whilst the other stays with bubs! Or if C comes we can just rotate it! :) It feels so good when I swim because if I do a lap just going along with a kickboard it really stretches out my abs and back so I get a really good stretch out of it too!!

Heading away to Warrnambool this weekend with Peter! Will be nice to get away - even if it is just for the night! :) It always feels like we're on holidays when we just get away for the night! So we'll head off early tomorrow morning and get down there in time for lunch. Hopefully go check out the whale watching platform...though I've heard that there isn't much to see at the moment! But still I'll enjoy it! Then we'll probably just head out for dinner and then come back to the apartment and watch a dvd and enjoy each other company!

Ok, I think I've rambled on long enough! SORRY!!!!