Well 5DPO...not too much going on here... had a nice temp jump this morning.. was a bit restless though! I've just accepted that I will be getting up and going to the toilet evenry night in the middle of the night for the rest of my life! So frustrating!
Again not much to report..super tired still - can't seem to get past 2pm without slamming into a wall so hard I struggle through the afternoon! Having to power nap when I get home to make it through the night! Went to the toilet before and had (sorry this will be TMI but part of the wonderful journey that is TTC) the biggest glob of EWCM! Like it was an actual glob not just a bit of stretchy but just....globby! And perfectly clear - yet everything else today has been thick and goopy and creamy coloured...weird!! But I have no idea.. so I'll just roll with it! haha
Still having some low lying pressure down in the uterus region...I really hope its something... I just feel I've done everything I can this month..tracked O with temps (though thats more for researh purposes), used Preseed twice, BDed like every second day (except once we missed a day..oops!!) so who knows! I guess if we don't get lucky this month we'll just go back for more next month!!
Counting down til easter....only like 2 working days to go! Bring it on!!!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
4DPO
Ok well as you can see by the title I am 4 DPO! I am SO excited! I woke up to find the little cross hairs on my chart at originally CD13 which was ok but my body had me pretty convinced it was CD14 - then the next day it changed! haha So I'm pretty pumped! We BDed 2 days before and on the day so hopefully we got it! I feel like we did... I don't know.. maybe it's just the blind optimism I get in the hope that THIS is the time we get lucky!!
So now we wait...I will hold out to test until AF is due as I'm so tired of seeing negative tests...well I say I will but to be honest..I have an addiction to peeing on these little sticks! It's like I'm into self harm and I get a kick out of a -test so I go back for more! It's crazy! But I would ideally like to hold off til at least 14DPO which is the 8th April! We've got Easter this weekend and we are away so that'll get me through some of it..we get back on monday so then it will take all my willpower to not test on Tuesday and Wednesday! I should be able to....maybe! haha
So not much happening! Have been mega toey lately but Peter has been so tired so I've unforunately not been BDing as much as I would like (even just for fun not in a conception kind of way!) Hopefully this hangs around as I usually have the libido of a rock so it makes him feel kinda bad when he is only needed around the big O time!!
Didn't do too much this weekend.. had all my nieces and nephews on Saturday (11months, 3, 4, and 5) so it was crazy busy! Made me wonder why on earth I want 4 little darlings!! haha But it was a lot of fun! They love their aunty Nat and Uncle Peter so we have fun with them!
Now it's too early for any kind of symptoms to be real so my 'imaginary' ones so far are just that I'm super duper tired and have had a weird pressure kind of feeling in my uterus area...like AF is sneaking up on me or something but it's not cramping... but as I said I know it's too early as implantation hasn't even happened yet!!!
So now we wait...I will hold out to test until AF is due as I'm so tired of seeing negative tests...well I say I will but to be honest..I have an addiction to peeing on these little sticks! It's like I'm into self harm and I get a kick out of a -test so I go back for more! It's crazy! But I would ideally like to hold off til at least 14DPO which is the 8th April! We've got Easter this weekend and we are away so that'll get me through some of it..we get back on monday so then it will take all my willpower to not test on Tuesday and Wednesday! I should be able to....maybe! haha
So not much happening! Have been mega toey lately but Peter has been so tired so I've unforunately not been BDing as much as I would like (even just for fun not in a conception kind of way!) Hopefully this hangs around as I usually have the libido of a rock so it makes him feel kinda bad when he is only needed around the big O time!!
Didn't do too much this weekend.. had all my nieces and nephews on Saturday (11months, 3, 4, and 5) so it was crazy busy! Made me wonder why on earth I want 4 little darlings!! haha But it was a lot of fun! They love their aunty Nat and Uncle Peter so we have fun with them!
Now it's too early for any kind of symptoms to be real so my 'imaginary' ones so far are just that I'm super duper tired and have had a weird pressure kind of feeling in my uterus area...like AF is sneaking up on me or something but it's not cramping... but as I said I know it's too early as implantation hasn't even happened yet!!!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
CD13
Morning! Well another day another 50 cents! I'm so over this whole 'work' business right now! I am planning on enrolling and doing my Cert 3 & 4 in Fitness and get into personal training but I think it'll have to wait til next month as $$$ is pretty tight at the moment trying to save our butts off!! But I think once I am done it will be worth it financially in the long run - especially as it is something I can do when I have a baby as I won't be able to afford to take too much time off (we are saving for a house)!
Well temp jumped up again from 36.07 to 36.20 so hopefully if I get another rise tomorrow FF will put in some crosshairs to say I Oed on either CD10 or 11 - I'm thinking 11! Which is fine! We BDed on CD10 and 12 so hopefully we caught the eggy! I so want this!
Its been a weird cycle in terms of cervical mucus though (sorry if too gross) but yeah I've had barely any this cycle as opposed to last cycle where I could basically swim in it!! So I'm glad I am temping in a way because otherwise I would have had no idea that its passed (if it has!!) Either way we are still intending on going all the way to the end of the cycle BDing every second day at least! That way there is no risk! I'm unsure if I want to test before AF is due... though I may do one test over easter as we are going away and I don't want to be drinking if I'm pregnant so yeah...that's probably the only time I want to test! Normally I can't wait to test but I don't think I have it in me to face another negative test!
I'm willing to try virtually anything! I know this sounds far fetched but it's something a friend told me! Basically a psychic said that sometimes our babies are around us but sometimes they think we aren't ready so they don't know to come so to write a letter to the baby letting them know it's ok to come and to turn around and all that sort of stuff! Sounds crazy I know but like I said - there's no hard in it! So after laying awake unable to sleep the other night I got up and wrote a letter which I basically explained the amount of love is waiting for this baby - not just by myself and Peter but also by my entire network of family and friends. And how we promise to give this baby as much love and opportunity as we can. So then I placed it under my pillow and have fallen asleep clutching it every night since Sunday night. It's a comfort thing as well to be honest as it holds the thoughts that would ordinarily be zooming around my head making it hard to get to sleep so instead I fall asleep clutching this letter under my pillow with a smile on my face. Peter knows about this letter but hasn't read it (or has done so on the sly! haha) I don't think he gets all the hoohaa but who knows!!
Wow...I could just write all day (and I'm on reception all day so I just might do!!)
I wish there was just a simply solution to all of this = but then again I know that as soon as I see those 2 lines on a test the next phase of stressing begins until I get past 9 weeks ( when we lost bubs) and safely arrive at the 12 week mark I will be freaking out! I'd honestly be happy to even be one of those people with the worst morning sickness in the world if it meant getting a nice healthy baby at the end of it! I'm just so ready to start a family and it's all I've ever wanted... just doesn't seem to want to happen for us...
Well temp jumped up again from 36.07 to 36.20 so hopefully if I get another rise tomorrow FF will put in some crosshairs to say I Oed on either CD10 or 11 - I'm thinking 11! Which is fine! We BDed on CD10 and 12 so hopefully we caught the eggy! I so want this!
Its been a weird cycle in terms of cervical mucus though (sorry if too gross) but yeah I've had barely any this cycle as opposed to last cycle where I could basically swim in it!! So I'm glad I am temping in a way because otherwise I would have had no idea that its passed (if it has!!) Either way we are still intending on going all the way to the end of the cycle BDing every second day at least! That way there is no risk! I'm unsure if I want to test before AF is due... though I may do one test over easter as we are going away and I don't want to be drinking if I'm pregnant so yeah...that's probably the only time I want to test! Normally I can't wait to test but I don't think I have it in me to face another negative test!
I'm willing to try virtually anything! I know this sounds far fetched but it's something a friend told me! Basically a psychic said that sometimes our babies are around us but sometimes they think we aren't ready so they don't know to come so to write a letter to the baby letting them know it's ok to come and to turn around and all that sort of stuff! Sounds crazy I know but like I said - there's no hard in it! So after laying awake unable to sleep the other night I got up and wrote a letter which I basically explained the amount of love is waiting for this baby - not just by myself and Peter but also by my entire network of family and friends. And how we promise to give this baby as much love and opportunity as we can. So then I placed it under my pillow and have fallen asleep clutching it every night since Sunday night. It's a comfort thing as well to be honest as it holds the thoughts that would ordinarily be zooming around my head making it hard to get to sleep so instead I fall asleep clutching this letter under my pillow with a smile on my face. Peter knows about this letter but hasn't read it (or has done so on the sly! haha) I don't think he gets all the hoohaa but who knows!!
Wow...I could just write all day (and I'm on reception all day so I just might do!!)
I wish there was just a simply solution to all of this = but then again I know that as soon as I see those 2 lines on a test the next phase of stressing begins until I get past 9 weeks ( when we lost bubs) and safely arrive at the 12 week mark I will be freaking out! I'd honestly be happy to even be one of those people with the worst morning sickness in the world if it meant getting a nice healthy baby at the end of it! I'm just so ready to start a family and it's all I've ever wanted... just doesn't seem to want to happen for us...
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
CD12 - WARNING - VERY LONG!!
Ok so I'm halfway into this cycle almost and I do have some other parts of my diary elsewhere but I will have to transfer that later!!
Well where to start - as stated CD12 today and its been an emotional one at that! Usually I only take a day or two to bounce back and to be optimistic about the cycle ahead but man has it been a struggle this time. I just can't understand how we aren't pregnant yet! I know that sounds silly and naive but who would have thought we wouldn't be lucky? I suppose I should have known as I've never been one of those 'lucky' people (you know - the type that always get a great car park straigh away and seem to just have things handed to them). It's not just me - it's always been this way for my family also!
Seems Peter is the same. So between us there is very little luck which does not make for much faith in this whole baby making process! I've been religion my whole life but I tell you what - when the witch arrives every month a little bit more faith gets sucks right out of me!! I'm not sure that I have much left! Which is a really horrible feeling as I don't know what would happen if I lost it completely. Unfortunately I think any hope of converting Peter to even remotely believe was sucked out the window when we had the miscarriage last year. I mean - how do you comprehend that? Why would God put someone through something so painful? I know the whole 'whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger' but how long does that take? I'm a lot weaker a person than I was before. I have so many moments when I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there! Before I lost our angel I was sociable and fun and easy going and now I just want to stay home in the safehaven of Peter's company. He's the only person around me that can completely understand the hurt that I feel every single day. Ok I've learnt how to cope with it but it doesn't make it any easier! It doesn't stop me feeling it every single day and then to add to it the horrible journey that is TTC I don't know how I get out of bed at all! It just feels so pointless sometimes. I feel like if I could just stay home BDing all the time then we'll have more success! But unfortunately that is not the case!
Lucky I have a wonderful group of people around me to get me through. Most of these people I haven't met in real life but they understand it all. They know exactly why I get down over a temperature that doesn't seem right, or why I'm obsessed with peeing on a stick in the hope of seeing 2 lines! I try explaining these things to people in real life and they just get concerned that 'i'm trying too hard' and that 'i should really just relax' and think I should talk to a doctor! ARGH!! Does my head in sometimes! I know they mean well but really...I wish they would sometimes just try to actually understand what is going on not just give me their 2 cents! It doesn't help really!
So... day 12... I think I may have ovulated on day 10 (according to temps) but another temp jump tomorrow will let me think I have!!) And I really hope I have as so far we've BDed on CD4, CD6, CD8 and CD10 - we will keep going with every second day just in case! But I live in fear of not Oing so hopefully! Massive fingers crossed!!!
Ok so I'm halfway into this cycle almost and I do have some other parts of my diary elsewhere but I will have to transfer that later!!
Well where to start - as stated CD12 today and its been an emotional one at that! Usually I only take a day or two to bounce back and to be optimistic about the cycle ahead but man has it been a struggle this time. I just can't understand how we aren't pregnant yet! I know that sounds silly and naive but who would have thought we wouldn't be lucky? I suppose I should have known as I've never been one of those 'lucky' people (you know - the type that always get a great car park straigh away and seem to just have things handed to them). It's not just me - it's always been this way for my family also!
Seems Peter is the same. So between us there is very little luck which does not make for much faith in this whole baby making process! I've been religion my whole life but I tell you what - when the witch arrives every month a little bit more faith gets sucks right out of me!! I'm not sure that I have much left! Which is a really horrible feeling as I don't know what would happen if I lost it completely. Unfortunately I think any hope of converting Peter to even remotely believe was sucked out the window when we had the miscarriage last year. I mean - how do you comprehend that? Why would God put someone through something so painful? I know the whole 'whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger' but how long does that take? I'm a lot weaker a person than I was before. I have so many moments when I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there! Before I lost our angel I was sociable and fun and easy going and now I just want to stay home in the safehaven of Peter's company. He's the only person around me that can completely understand the hurt that I feel every single day. Ok I've learnt how to cope with it but it doesn't make it any easier! It doesn't stop me feeling it every single day and then to add to it the horrible journey that is TTC I don't know how I get out of bed at all! It just feels so pointless sometimes. I feel like if I could just stay home BDing all the time then we'll have more success! But unfortunately that is not the case!
Lucky I have a wonderful group of people around me to get me through. Most of these people I haven't met in real life but they understand it all. They know exactly why I get down over a temperature that doesn't seem right, or why I'm obsessed with peeing on a stick in the hope of seeing 2 lines! I try explaining these things to people in real life and they just get concerned that 'i'm trying too hard' and that 'i should really just relax' and think I should talk to a doctor! ARGH!! Does my head in sometimes! I know they mean well but really...I wish they would sometimes just try to actually understand what is going on not just give me their 2 cents! It doesn't help really!
So... day 12... I think I may have ovulated on day 10 (according to temps) but another temp jump tomorrow will let me think I have!!) And I really hope I have as so far we've BDed on CD4, CD6, CD8 and CD10 - we will keep going with every second day just in case! But I live in fear of not Oing so hopefully! Massive fingers crossed!!!
12/3/10
Ok a run down-got the positive test in September and everything was hunky dorey! Around 6weeks I felt weird and remembered texting dp that something didn't feel right! Like i knew instantly! Anyway life went on as usual and went to the ob at 9wks 3days not feeling confidant. We weren't due to have a scan til 12weeks. He had a machine in his rooms so he did a quick scan only to see a big black hole!! Off to an urgent internal ultrasound revealed my bub was only 6wks and 1day with a slow heartbeat- but alive all the same! The chances werent good and it seemed we were seeing some of bubs last heartbeats! Had a scan a verrrry long week later only to reveal bubs measuring 6wks 3days but no heartbeat! Our little bubs had become an angel!! I was just absolutely heartbroken! I cried for days on end! Had the d&c a few days later and was fine for that but once I got home I've never cried so much! I mean you ask all the questions- why us? Why our baby? Why no signs? Besides the odd feeling back at 6 weeks I'd had nothing- no bleeding no spotting no cramps!! So anyway here we are about to start cycle 5 since the d&c and I cant believe I'm still here!Af arrived to and I'm heartbroken!! I mean surely we can't be that unlucky? though after doing some research I'm pretty sure I wasn't ovulating for at least 2 of those cycles!!So we're going for a christmas bundle this time! Not ideal but being someone who's birthday is new years day I'd know how to make sure every birthday is special regardless of how close to Christmas it is!!!So yes cd1 today current cycles have been-27, 34, 34, 29! Af I think will be kind no cramps yet so if she's going to cramp shell usually start that way!!Anyway... I'm going to go feel sorry for myself a bit more!!
15/3/10
Well I've had a horrible day today! I really really haven't bounced back from af's arrival like I usually do! Normally by day 2 in fine but cd4 and i spent the day on the verge of tears! Actually I cried all the way to work then when I gou home I couldn't stop crying! I'm just feeling like the whole world is against dp and I! Ttc is really doing my head in! We have been trying for the entire length of a pregnancy! It's so hard!!I just hate that it's all out of our control and even if we do all the right things it still doesn't guarantee ababy!! I feel like such a failure that I can't get pg- and the one time I did it didn't stick!! It's just so hard when it's all I have ever wanted in the whole wide world!!*sigh* nothing to report- af finishing up today, dp and j got some bding in so we are officially back in the game!!
21/3/10
Cd10!
Ok so had a really rough week in terms of emotionally! I just really really struggled! I cried every day this week and just couldn't seem to get my head back in the right space!!
Woke up Friday finally with the clouds lifted and a smile on my face!!We have BDed on cd4, cd6, cd8 and cd10 so we're on track for every second day! Haven't had much cm this cycle which is annoying but my temp took a massive dive today so wondering if I oed today? Had a bit of ewcm this morning so whacked in the preseed this morning and went for it as I knew dp was drinking at the cricket today!!So am nervous about waking up and taking my temp in the morning in case they are playing funny buggers with me again this cycle!But here's what I'm hoping- if I've oed now then I'll get a bfp around Easter (death of Christ) and bubs will be due around Christmas (birth of Christ) and my name means 'born on christmas' so this is what I'm holding on to this cycle!!
Ok a run down-got the positive test in September and everything was hunky dorey! Around 6weeks I felt weird and remembered texting dp that something didn't feel right! Like i knew instantly! Anyway life went on as usual and went to the ob at 9wks 3days not feeling confidant. We weren't due to have a scan til 12weeks. He had a machine in his rooms so he did a quick scan only to see a big black hole!! Off to an urgent internal ultrasound revealed my bub was only 6wks and 1day with a slow heartbeat- but alive all the same! The chances werent good and it seemed we were seeing some of bubs last heartbeats! Had a scan a verrrry long week later only to reveal bubs measuring 6wks 3days but no heartbeat! Our little bubs had become an angel!! I was just absolutely heartbroken! I cried for days on end! Had the d&c a few days later and was fine for that but once I got home I've never cried so much! I mean you ask all the questions- why us? Why our baby? Why no signs? Besides the odd feeling back at 6 weeks I'd had nothing- no bleeding no spotting no cramps!! So anyway here we are about to start cycle 5 since the d&c and I cant believe I'm still here!Af arrived to and I'm heartbroken!! I mean surely we can't be that unlucky? though after doing some research I'm pretty sure I wasn't ovulating for at least 2 of those cycles!!So we're going for a christmas bundle this time! Not ideal but being someone who's birthday is new years day I'd know how to make sure every birthday is special regardless of how close to Christmas it is!!!So yes cd1 today current cycles have been-27, 34, 34, 29! Af I think will be kind no cramps yet so if she's going to cramp shell usually start that way!!Anyway... I'm going to go feel sorry for myself a bit more!!
15/3/10
Well I've had a horrible day today! I really really haven't bounced back from af's arrival like I usually do! Normally by day 2 in fine but cd4 and i spent the day on the verge of tears! Actually I cried all the way to work then when I gou home I couldn't stop crying! I'm just feeling like the whole world is against dp and I! Ttc is really doing my head in! We have been trying for the entire length of a pregnancy! It's so hard!!I just hate that it's all out of our control and even if we do all the right things it still doesn't guarantee ababy!! I feel like such a failure that I can't get pg- and the one time I did it didn't stick!! It's just so hard when it's all I have ever wanted in the whole wide world!!*sigh* nothing to report- af finishing up today, dp and j got some bding in so we are officially back in the game!!
21/3/10
Cd10!
Ok so had a really rough week in terms of emotionally! I just really really struggled! I cried every day this week and just couldn't seem to get my head back in the right space!!
Woke up Friday finally with the clouds lifted and a smile on my face!!We have BDed on cd4, cd6, cd8 and cd10 so we're on track for every second day! Haven't had much cm this cycle which is annoying but my temp took a massive dive today so wondering if I oed today? Had a bit of ewcm this morning so whacked in the preseed this morning and went for it as I knew dp was drinking at the cricket today!!So am nervous about waking up and taking my temp in the morning in case they are playing funny buggers with me again this cycle!But here's what I'm hoping- if I've oed now then I'll get a bfp around Easter (death of Christ) and bubs will be due around Christmas (birth of Christ) and my name means 'born on christmas' so this is what I'm holding on to this cycle!!
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