CD12 - WARNING - VERY LONG!!

Ok so I'm halfway into this cycle almost and I do have some other parts of my diary elsewhere but I will have to transfer that later!!

Well where to start - as stated CD12 today and its been an emotional one at that! Usually I only take a day or two to bounce back and to be optimistic about the cycle ahead but man has it been a struggle this time. I just can't understand how we aren't pregnant yet! I know that sounds silly and naive but who would have thought we wouldn't be lucky? I suppose I should have known as I've never been one of those 'lucky' people (you know - the type that always get a great car park straigh away and seem to just have things handed to them). It's not just me - it's always been this way for my family also!

Seems Peter is the same. So between us there is very little luck which does not make for much faith in this whole baby making process! I've been religion my whole life but I tell you what - when the witch arrives every month a little bit more faith gets sucks right out of me!! I'm not sure that I have much left! Which is a really horrible feeling as I don't know what would happen if I lost it completely. Unfortunately I think any hope of converting Peter to even remotely believe was sucked out the window when we had the miscarriage last year. I mean - how do you comprehend that? Why would God put someone through something so painful? I know the whole 'whatever doesn't kill you will only make you stronger' but how long does that take? I'm a lot weaker a person than I was before. I have so many moments when I just want to crawl into a hole and stay there! Before I lost our angel I was sociable and fun and easy going and now I just want to stay home in the safehaven of Peter's company. He's the only person around me that can completely understand the hurt that I feel every single day. Ok I've learnt how to cope with it but it doesn't make it any easier! It doesn't stop me feeling it every single day and then to add to it the horrible journey that is TTC I don't know how I get out of bed at all! It just feels so pointless sometimes. I feel like if I could just stay home BDing all the time then we'll have more success! But unfortunately that is not the case!

Lucky I have a wonderful group of people around me to get me through. Most of these people I haven't met in real life but they understand it all. They know exactly why I get down over a temperature that doesn't seem right, or why I'm obsessed with peeing on a stick in the hope of seeing 2 lines! I try explaining these things to people in real life and they just get concerned that 'i'm trying too hard' and that 'i should really just relax' and think I should talk to a doctor! ARGH!! Does my head in sometimes! I know they mean well but really...I wish they would sometimes just try to actually understand what is going on not just give me their 2 cents! It doesn't help really!

So... day 12... I think I may have ovulated on day 10 (according to temps) but another temp jump tomorrow will let me think I have!!) And I really hope I have as so far we've BDed on CD4, CD6, CD8 and CD10 - we will keep going with every second day just in case! But I live in fear of not Oing so hopefully! Massive fingers crossed!!!