12/3/10

Ok a run down-got the positive test in September and everything was hunky dorey! Around 6weeks I felt weird and remembered texting dp that something didn't feel right! Like i knew instantly! Anyway life went on as usual and went to the ob at 9wks 3days not feeling confidant. We weren't due to have a scan til 12weeks. He had a machine in his rooms so he did a quick scan only to see a big black hole!! Off to an urgent internal ultrasound revealed my bub was only 6wks and 1day with a slow heartbeat- but alive all the same! The chances werent good and it seemed we were seeing some of bubs last heartbeats! Had a scan a verrrry long week later only to reveal bubs measuring 6wks 3days but no heartbeat! Our little bubs had become an angel!! I was just absolutely heartbroken! I cried for days on end! Had the d&c a few days later and was fine for that but once I got home I've never cried so much! I mean you ask all the questions- why us? Why our baby? Why no signs? Besides the odd feeling back at 6 weeks I'd had nothing- no bleeding no spotting no cramps!! So anyway here we are about to start cycle 5 since the d&c and I cant believe I'm still here!Af arrived to and I'm heartbroken!! I mean surely we can't be that unlucky? though after doing some research I'm pretty sure I wasn't ovulating for at least 2 of those cycles!!So we're going for a christmas bundle this time! Not ideal but being someone who's birthday is new years day I'd know how to make sure every birthday is special regardless of how close to Christmas it is!!!So yes cd1 today current cycles have been-27, 34, 34, 29! Af I think will be kind no cramps yet so if she's going to cramp shell usually start that way!!Anyway... I'm going to go feel sorry for myself a bit more!!

15/3/10

Well I've had a horrible day today! I really really haven't bounced back from af's arrival like I usually do! Normally by day 2 in fine but cd4 and i spent the day on the verge of tears! Actually I cried all the way to work then when I gou home I couldn't stop crying! I'm just feeling like the whole world is against dp and I! Ttc is really doing my head in! We have been trying for the entire length of a pregnancy! It's so hard!!I just hate that it's all out of our control and even if we do all the right things it still doesn't guarantee ababy!! I feel like such a failure that I can't get pg- and the one time I did it didn't stick!! It's just so hard when it's all I have ever wanted in the whole wide world!!*sigh* nothing to report- af finishing up today, dp and j got some bding in so we are officially back in the game!!

21/3/10

Cd10!
Ok so had a really rough week in terms of emotionally! I just really really struggled! I cried every day this week and just couldn't seem to get my head back in the right space!!

Woke up Friday finally with the clouds lifted and a smile on my face!!We have BDed on cd4, cd6, cd8 and cd10 so we're on track for every second day! Haven't had much cm this cycle which is annoying but my temp took a massive dive today so wondering if I oed today? Had a bit of ewcm this morning so whacked in the preseed this morning and went for it as I knew dp was drinking at the cricket today!!So am nervous about waking up and taking my temp in the morning in case they are playing funny buggers with me again this cycle!But here's what I'm hoping- if I've oed now then I'll get a bfp around Easter (death of Christ) and bubs will be due around Christmas (birth of Christ) and my name means 'born on christmas' so this is what I'm holding on to this cycle!!