ARGH!!! I'll start by saying that it shouldn't be this hard for people who really really really (X a squillion) to have a baby!! First we struggle to get pregnant in the first place - and then when we do it seems something needs to take that away from us!
I'll state that I am fine and that as far as I know at the moment baby is still snuggled up nicely inside of me!
But I have just finished reading GreenSprout, Summa and Shel's blogs and my heart just hurts so much for them!! It's just such a painful experience the whole ttc thing! And it sucks coz there isn't a damn thing I or them can do about it besides ride it out and take the appropriate drugs but it's all still just a 'hope for the best'!!
Then there is someone like Shel -who falls pg but her body decides not to hold on to it! And that pain is just excruciating! I just hate that idea of her going through it all!! I've been there once and I don't know how someone pulls themselves back out again!
I'm already full of anxiety and angst - I'm past the 7 week mark (well 7w 2d) and have an appointment with Dr. John tomorrow where hopefully he will do a scan and hopefully there will still be a little heartbeat in there! I just don't know if I'll ever recover if something happens to this baby!! It seems the more people that find out about it the less inclined I am to talk and get excited about it as I'm petrified if I allow myself to get too excited that something will happen!! I would really just like the next 4.5 weeks to fly by so I can relax just a little bit more!
I'm also still just not happy that it is May... I should be in the final weeks but instead I'm still at the beginning! I will talk about this a fair bit this month as it is something that I didn't think would affect me as much as it has! I had grieved and I had moved on from the loss (as much as anyone can) and just didn't realise how quickly this May has come around and slapped me in the face! It's just come as a shock to me and there's all these feelings I thought I'd dealt with just resurfacing!
So I guess all I can do is hold on to this little bubby with everything I've got and hope they decided to stay with us. I am really excited about this little christmas bundle!!
Dear Bubbles,
Well today you are 5 weeks and 2 days old! You are growing so much I can not simply believe it! You looked pretty snug in there the other day so I hope you are going to stay with us! Incase you decide to join us before Christmas we have already got a little christmas outfit for you to wear! It's very tiny and I hope you will join us!
Every time I feel sick I think how lucky I am that you chose us! I try not to get too upset when I don't feel well and I think about the amazing transformation taking place inside me and think how much of a blessing it is!
I'm hoping I get to see you again tomorrow my baby! My precious! You are simply a miracle!
We think you are amazing!! Stay snug - it's getting cold outside!!
Love Mummy! xoxo
It is funny sometimes the things that affect us... We think we've got it all sorted out and then an old wound is stabbed from a new angle and we realise it isn't quite what we thought.
ReplyDeleteDon't think I can fully appreciate what it is like to lose a bub but I get the impression it is one of those things that may always hurt that bit, no matter how much time passes. Also think I'd be feeling similarly stressed until that 12 week mark.
But you're looking good this time and I am gunning to see this go all the way. :-) xxx