I know it's been like 100 years since I've written anything - sadly life just got chaotic and I never get a chance too! But I was spurred on to look at my pg diary and felt the need to write in here!!
Ashton is now almost 6 months old and he is simply an amazing little character who makes me smile a million times a day! Something as simple as tonight in the bath he was just cracking up at me wiping a washer over his belly - a real laugh! I never get tired of hearing it!!!
He is amazing! When he isn't teething he is such a delightful baby and makes life so easy for me (As easy as it can be with a baby)! And whilst motherhood isn't without its trials I have honestly never felt more complete! I grew up saying my whole life I wanted to be a mum...that was all I aspired to be and I'm so glad I was right! I never knew how complete I feel now!
Ashton makes me a whole person! Since having him I really feel as though there is a real purpose to my life! I gave up breastfeeding after a menial 3 weeks - it was painful and more pain than I could get through no matter how many people told me it gets better! The agony made my toes curl, made me swear, made me feel such anxiety over feeding time I would literaly sit there in tears! I decided it wasn't worth it so for 2 days I cried with guilt about how I failed my baby! But he took the bottle no worries and is definitely not failing in the weight gain department! He is my big bubba! Since he started solids I decided to make up for the lack of breastfeeding and have made all his food myself! In the 2 months he's been on solids he's had maybe 1.5 jars of food that I haven't made myself- and he's having 2-3 meals a day! I love knowing that it's all fresh ingredients going into him - that being said I have no problems with jar food at all! I just really enjoy making his food!! I never thought I would enjoy it so much!! It makes me feel like I've accomplished something!!
He wakes me up in the middle of the night not with crying but by talking loudly....so I get up and am not happy about being woken only to walk in and find this smiling flapping little man who is so happy to see me how can I be angry at him? I love his smiles, I hate hearing him upset! I hate that look he gives me when he's not happy!
As I said it's not been all rainbows and lollipops! The first 12 weeks were the hardest I have ever been through physically and emotionally!! Everyone tells you how tired you are...well no one told me there'd be nights where I'd find myself in the foetal position, sobbing on the floor in my hallway because I'm getting up for the 6th time in 2 hours whilst in agony from the anal fissure that will not give me a break. NO one told me I would lie in bed bawling my eyes out because I'm trying to find sleep through the pain, I pray to make the pain stop but it doesn't happen! No one warned me of the times I would sit on the couch feeding in the middle of the night crying silent tears because I am JUST.SO.TIRED!
As horrible as it sounds I found the first few weeks so unrewarding it was hard to see the light through the darkness! I don't know how many tears were shed in those first 8 weeks! Tears because I was tired, tears because I was in pain, tears just because there were tears that needed to be shed!
IT was hard and so unrewarding...but then he smiled.. and he continued to smile..and it really makes things a lot easier to bare!!!
I have A LOT more to add but I better get cracking on deciphering through all of my diary!! I reckon I'll be able to come back on here more often now.....
I love this post. Not because pain and tears are fun but because I'm just stepping to the sunny side after many rocky weeks where I found myself in tears and being frustrated. It reminds me that this is the side of things that we have to go through that noone can really prepare a new parent for... It is brutal both physically and emotionally. It reminds me that I wasn't alone!!
ReplyDeleteI think there is so many mums out there would agree with your post...and I am one of them. I remember all those nights crying for Lachlan to go to sleep, but when he smiled there is no way that you can be angry with him.
ReplyDeleteParenthood is one of those things that you can't prepare for and no matter how much advice some people can give you, every baby is different and it is one of those things you have to take day by day.